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[24 Feb 2004|12:17pm] |
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calling all non psychos and druggies- this journals goin to be deleted and im making a new one. and pretending you dont exsist.
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[23 Feb 2004|04:14pm] |
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congratulations i guess youre always right im sorry that i ever tried...what happened to the world we knew we were so much better than this
hah. youre life is a joke. good job.
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| gaaah |
[23 Feb 2004|10:25am] |
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heres the thing...keep your best friend. keep her. but leave me alone. dont you dare tell me that i dont care about jeff... dont you DARE tell me hes all that i have in my life. go ahead and ruin rachels life- youre on the right track. damnit how dare you act like you know me. but its not worth it. because you mean nothing to me. nothing-and never will. keep up your little dramatic life with your little dramatic blow outs...say what you want about me...swear up a storm- youre not effecting me. play it tough threaten fights...see if i care. its funny how stupid this whole thing is. you have changed a wonderful girl into everything she always swore she wouldnt be...i hope you feel good about yourself.
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| this ones for cooper....;-) |
[18 Feb 2004|02:07pm] |
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whats love got to do with it |
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okay just to clear things up...i am not depressed i am not unhappy...i am in love. and i am in love with quite possibly one of the most lovable boys in the world. fear not- when i move far off i will not find a boy better than you- or one that will even partially compare. i will never leave you because i truly believe this is the best that love can get. im sorry for the last post. only sorry to you. because i made it seem as though i hated everything in my life. outside of these school walls everything in my life is so amazingly perfect i cant even believe it. i know we'll have bad days- as i expect to...but you are my constant. you are my life all summed up in one cheesy little phrase....you are my everything.
ill proof read next time i vent in my live journals.
i love you more than stars...more than art...more than perogies...more than the beach...haha i love you more than fudge popsicles and more than fried fat. i love you more than journals more than books i almost love you more than french fries. i love you more than cheese sauce i love you more than chocolate...i love you more than painting i love you more than music. i love you more than anyone...i love you most of all. i love you more than sunsets i love you more than tetris...i love you more than i love pie...i love you more than diamonds...i love you more than poetry i love you more than dr thunder. i love you more than i love threes company i love you more than i love myself. i love you more than checkers i love you more than spring time...i love you more than snow days. i love you more than salvation army.
i love you under the stars...i love you in my art...i love eating perogies with you...id love to love you on the beach. i love watching you eat fudgicles and dining on fried fat with you. i love you when im writing in my journals...its a tough call when im dining with you on super sized fries to chose which i love the more. i love you when you forget to hide the cheese sauce and i know you didnt cook. i love you when you buy me chocolate and i eat it all in a day. i love you as i paint feelings that you inspire...i love your music. i love you more than anyone. i love you most of all. i love watching sunsets with you and capturing them on film. id love to love you playing tetris...i love eating pie with you. id love to love a diamond from you and im counting down the years...i love writing you poetry...i love when we supply the beverages for new years and buy cases of dr thunder. id love to love you while watching threes company...i love you more than i love myself...id love to love playing checkers with you. ill love you most in spring time, and i love spending snow days with you... i love you more than salvation army.
sure you say repetitive...but hey i say its love...
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| because she told herself she must... |
[18 Feb 2004|10:10am] |
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heart transplant- punchline |
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ive been searching the past couple of years to acheive the happiness ive always thrived for. ive been looking in all the wrong places in all the wrong arms-until i found jeff. why you may ask- if im so happy...am i packin up and moving my life away from him? well...this is why. because i have known the same people since pre school. ive been hearing the same worn out stories staring at the same fake smiles since way back in frankstown. theres comes a time when you just have to say- ive had enough. this time came for me in about 6th grade. ive always known i didnt belong in this town. ive just always felt this drive to move away and make my life the life i want. jeff and i have been talkin about it for weeks now- in the beginning of our talks we feared we would lose contact and fall apart due to the three hour drive. we ve been consuling each other and convincing ourselves that this wont happen. that this is love and this is real. and no matter how far the drive may be- it cannot break this up. its going to be hard no doubt...but im ready for a move. i need change. i feel wasted here. like all of these people in all of their years havent noticed what i am. im nothin special- dont get me wrong im anything but bragging- it just feels like the look at the surface- they turn up their noses and walk away. i would die a happy girl if i never have to hear a squealing high pitch ring of the chatty girls in the back of the room in hollister button ups and 200 dollar boots. maybe ill never find it. no matter how far away i move- atleast even those chatty annoying girls will be new...though far from diffrent- i wont know their life stories and who they dated in which grade and how old they were when they were first kissed- and i can only pray i wont have to listen to them complain about why their parents dont love them and their boyfriends such a dick. i can only hope. because heres the thing on a whole new level. we all have problems. we usually blow them up bigger than theyre intended to be blown...out parents do love us and if youre boyfriends such a dick why are you still with him?
forgive me for not feeling sympathy for those who ruin their lives with drugs and alocohol. im sorry but im pretty sure we all had the same choice from the start. im not going to feel bad for you if youre boyfriend beats you...verbally or otherwise...you made the choice to be with him you made the choice to take his blows. but rather i feel sorry for the people you put through hell for your own selfish enjoyment. if you could only see what youre doin to them youd hate yourself.
maybe im just a middle class white girl from a happy family in a happy home...with an artistic father and a mother who seems to have forgotten something...( i love you jeffrey) a boozer for a sister and another sister who can do no wrong- in no ones eyes. but then the question is posed in my own mind...what combination of these four other people am i? will i fall into the media and drink my dreams away? will i grow up making phone calls reminding patients they have an appoinment today...or will i be my father- the best man ive ever known...strong and loving and artistic- free spirited to some extent and christian- the best damn christian ive ever seen...or will i be like manda...the prize winning daughter who brings home the pay. :sigh:
this isnt for you. this isnt for any of you. this post was for me. because venting is all i needed to do.
ill make it to california someday
ive got dreams to share and something to say
cant live here forever so unhappily
its funny how small one small town can be
ive got purpose and ive got a plan
to live my life the best that i can
the beatles were right all you need is love
well ive got mine now and im rising above
i would do anything for this goal to reach
even sell hotdogs out on the beach
its funny how small one small town can seem...
when youre workin so hard to acheive a dream
i wish i wanted to apologize
thank you jeffrey wendle for being the only constant light in my life
thank you for making me see how bad i need this all to fade away
-im losing all respect for you- forgive me if i avert my eyes when you speak to me-
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[17 Feb 2004|10:45am] |
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i could survive without you guys...lord knows itd be hard but i could pull through. i never want to lose you but its happening more and more everyday. maybe its not healthy to only have your boyfriend to depend on. maybe im sick.
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| my jeffrey brings all the girls to the yard...and theyre like- hes better than yours... |
[15 Feb 2004|08:37pm] |
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embers and envelopes |
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damn right hes better than yours...
and this is why...
-because he carries me to my room late at night and tucks me in and kisses me sweet dreams...
-he brings me teddy bears when im sick
-pumps my gas when its cold
-tells me im pretty no matter how hideous i may appear
-he tries to pick my wedgies...though i insist it wont be too much strain and i take care of it on my own
-because he wears his pants around his knees and his moose underwear stick out and he doesnt even realize it....and this makes me laugh
-because out first date was a picnic of pudding and pickles on the bleachers of a baseball field
-brings me french fries when im stuck inside for fear that i may get a dry socket.
-because he takes me dancing in the parking lot of salvation army...under the snow...under the street lights- giving me eskimo kisses...
-because when he snores it sounds as though im sleeping beside a goose.
-hes chews with his mouth open- and this makes me laugh
-we have burping contests and this doesnt even turn him off in the slightest.
-because he says "Im not a boy...Im a MAN" and this also makes me laugh
- he laughs like the hippo flashlight from wal mart- a dul dul dul dullll a
-because he eats the last bite of the fudge popsicle and then laughs because i wanted it
-then he obnoxisouly licks the popsicle stick just to rub it in
-because he holds his breath like a little kid and then i kiss him and he explodes and spits all over me
-we drive
-because he laughs at the mentally challanged but i know better than anyone that he loves them...maybe even as much as me
-as im writing this list...im sitting on his lap...hes behind me minding his own business...all the sudden he slides a trash can across the floor...to what? wipe a boogie in it. yay.
-because...on valentines day he took me to long john silvers
-because when he pulls out of my drive way he flashes his lights three times...I love you
okay now for the whole reason i even started this post...
valentines day. i have to start out by saying up until now my dad has always been my faithful valentine. well luckily i stumbled upon jeffrey this year. who made this valentines day...not only the best valentines day...but the BEST day dare i say...ever. yep the best damn day ever. it all started out when he picked me up about 2. the real crazy fun started about an hour later but we'll skip ahead of that heh to the more g rated part. tehehe.
it all began with one card. before giving me this card jeffrey said- after i opened i couldnt ask any quesitons- i just had to read the card and go from there. i opened only to find five dollars for my gas tank. and a clue! this clue said something about dancing in parkin lots and buyin little boys shirts...so of course it had to be salvation army. i reluctantly left my jeffrey with a kiss and a heistating goodbye...and was on my way. before i left he gave me a cd to listen to on my travels. lovey music...i didnt know where i would find him next...the card claimed that fate would bring us back together...at this point i was a little shaky but excited nonetheless...so i was on my way. with good good music and a clue to follow. when i got to salvation army (after about a 20 minute traffic jam) i barley brought my car to a hault and tuck and rolled right into the door. where i found the sales lady. i said...im supposed to ask you about...a card or a valentines special or something- and she smiled and presented me with three roses and yet another card! oh boy was i excited. i almost even ran over a little boy in the parkin lot...the kinda would of put a damper on the day...the next clue told of loving from the bottom of our jelly filled hearts...im a big fan of doughnuts so this could only mean one thing! Krispy Kreme! on my way to krispy kreme i went.
when i got there i was offered a fresh...hot...beautiful...steaming...right out of the ovenn dounut...which i amazingly turned down! no way! im on a mission here donut lady. no time for donuts. i foudn my next three roses and my clue on top of the counter all covered in krispy kreme goodness...out the door i ran with a flash! i then ran out of gas because of all the valentine traffic. so i made a stop to sheetz. and then followed my next clue straight to the book store. i said to the man behind the counter- hey man behind the counter i think those are for me! he smiles and said happy valentines day baby...these are from me. actually i lied. so i got my last clue and what?!?! i was heading home to find my love...my heart...my jeffrey. BUT because im an idiot and apparently cant read...i went to my house instead of his. where i was dissapointed to find no one at all. just two empty plates sat at and empty table. hello!? i cried...the house echoed. dulp. so i then headed over to my second home...jeffreys. which is apparently where i was supposed to go all along...because here is where i found...my jeffrey. my prize. in a candle lit house...with a candle lit table just waitin for me there. i hugged this boy like ive never hugged anyone before- as he led me to my seat at the pretty pretty table. he went into the kitchen. what!? jeffrey....cooking?? couldnt be. i said- you didnt cook did you!?! well no...he didnt cook instead he pulled out to plates of warm mcdonalds french fries...cheese burgers and wendys nuggets...seriously this boy knows me too too well...he put my plate down in front of me (cheese and all) and apologized that the oven had accidentally toasted the bread...hahah. oh and did i mention he was playing air supply? yees air supply because this boy is perfection. after we ate a little bit we danced...and then we ate some more. and he gave me the last three roses- to make a dozen. :sigh: after this long day of amazingness we were tired...and fell asleep on the couch in each others arms...until of course i was awakened by his bird like snores. oh that boy...he gets me every time. so this is pretty much the main reason why hes cooler than yours jeffrey....and i thank you.
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| when it rains it pours... |
[12 Feb 2004|10:39am] |
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Its raining men |
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and i love the rain.
in gallos...just got back from the nursing home. haha it was a pretty intersting experience. i went with the mentally disabled class to help pass out valentines. and we went to the luteran home- the one adine and i used to volunteer at. i was happy to see many of the old chicks are still alive and kicking.
ive been missing my jeffrey like crazy because he has a job and works every single night. but saturday is the light at the end of this weeks tunnel and i cant wait to see what this boy has in store for me. i love him. take the person you love the very most...now times it by 10. thats us. i love you.
have a good one <3
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[10 Feb 2004|10:27am] |
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im a chipper cheerful free for all and i light up a room <3 |
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it smells like spring and syrup in the hallways of this school.
im in love with jeffrey allen wendle.
i no longer work at wongs because they didnt pay me.
dont judge. i dont work for free.
this is a beautiful day.
i have to read my sonnet in front of my english class.
harry potter. DAHAHAH.
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[05 Feb 2004|10:43am] |
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congratulations i guess IM always right :-D |
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just walking past the psych room and what do my little ears hear? I am sam blasting from inside. it took all my might not to go in and pull up a seat.
i am a wong slave. yesterday was payday but i didnt get payed because the lady was broke. hmm...making working illegally isnt so cool. plus the kitchen knomes laugh at me when i slip and fall on their wet floors. hmm...the search for a legal job continues.
meanwhile im praying for a snow day tomorrow so "da mall ees so dead" and i wont have to become a victim of wong abuse tomorrow night as well. CRoss your fngers for me <3
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| why cant i breathe... |
[02 Feb 2004|09:25am] |
layin in bed this morning i thought this might not be such a terrible day. i pumped myself up for a week full of wong and a week free of jeffrey. although i was clearly lying to myself i got out of bed feeling okay. saying over and over this week will pass and things will get better. well guess what...things wont be getting better today.
i think im fighting with jeff...all i ask is for one period a day...stress free and filled with jeffrey but that didnt happen today either.
things are changing in my life. he seems to be the only stable thing i have. im sick of hearing about friends on drugs and friends throwin parties and- you can come if you wants...im sick of hiding tears in class and im sick of writing in my journals to vent. jeff explained to me that its just the time of year. theres nothign to do..nothin really to look that forward to except for spring....which is alll im living for right now.
damnit. ill write more later.
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| iI'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate |
[28 Jan 2004|08:55pm] |
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brand new- the boy who blocked his own shot |
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shes wearing me down...
shes making me cry now,
if this is how its supposed to be..
ill lead myself out.
its never been like this before
sure im growing older,
and now we drift apart...
but this is all just maddness.
and i cant hear another put down
she says im inconsiderate...
oh damnit if she only KNEW
says im breaking her hear-
why cant she just see im in love?
she yells and oh she'll argue
why cant she attempt to understand
what will it take to make her see...
its never worth the worrying
i love her so so much,
of course i always will...
but shes wearing me down-
shes making me cry now.
and damnit if she only knew.
she pokes and she prods until i act just her way,
shes suffocating, but i love her so much...
i hate myself when she talks to me
cause she'll never try to understand
and im a constant disapointment.
doesnt like my music...interigates about both of my friends...
as if im drinking and shooting up
everytime i leave her sight...
reads my journals...hates my art.
i try to share my passions...
id share hers if she had any...
shes wearing me down
shes making me cry now
it this how its going to be
"if it makes you less sad...we'll start talking again...you can tell me how vile i already know that i am"
so i JUST said my life was painfully perfect...maybe i forgot the part of my life that was truly PAINFUL...counting down the days til moving far from home comes...
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| i love you. |
[28 Jan 2004|09:47am] |
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Nothing Compares |
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and...my life is so perfect its physically painful...
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[27 Jan 2004|10:08am] |
Early Dismissal on
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
1:00pm Secondary Dismissal
1:45pm Elementary Dismissal
No PM Kindergarten
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| snow day |
[26 Jan 2004|12:44pm] |
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Zack Attack |
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so today marks the first snow day and the first day of work at wongs wok.
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[22 Jan 2004|09:41am] |
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fallout boy. |
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so maybe some things aren't supposed to change...maybe some people are ment to be apart. atleast i know i apologized...you could have atleast have accepted it. you know what...i try and try so hard to understand people...just becuase i really dont feel like i truly relate to anyone...i try to understand why they say what they say and why they do what they do...but this time its beyond me.
i took all the blame. i shoveled it all onto myself. nevermind the fact i wasnt the one to fully blame- you had just as much , if not more of a part in this as i did...yet...when i apologize you tell me i SHOULD feel bad. you tell me you feel better now because its not a burden on you anymore. heaven forbid. maybe next time ill think twice before throwing myself at the mercy of apologies...thank God youre not burdened though...we wouldnt want that.
maybe its just because i dont understand people...maybe they dont understand me. one things for certain im giving up trying. ill surround myself and bury myself in the one persons company i know and i love. but other than that...this is me giving up. surrendering to the world- admitting i dont belong with you...or you...maybe its just the high school hatred coming out in me... maybe i just need to vent. its just sad because i sit back and i observe the two sidedness that people have- hell maybe i have it too- but ive seen the lies ive BELIEVED the lies...and i just still for the life of me...dont get it. :sigh:
love you wendle.
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| letting go... |
[20 Jan 2004|09:55pm] |
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harry connick jr |
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i have this box...the letting go box. its a box i fill with all of the pictures of all of the people im trying to forget. all of the movie stubs...all of the old notes and journals that remind me of them...guitar picks..lyrics, old sharp shooter/canoe racing trophies...best friend rings...its in my lap right now..."so this is how i let go..fill a shoe box with things i never want to see again. in my twisted head this will make it easier to let go...to move on..." pictures of an old best friend that date back to 6th grade, sadly ending about 6 months ago. pictures of old boyfriends, old christmas gifts old pictures id rather just burn...but see ive been thinking lately...why stash them away in a box in my closet...why not do something about them? so im lookin through it and im wondering...why i havent thought of this sooner. because im stupid. and up until now ive been pig headed and maybe just down right mean...but for what its worth i feel...in a subtle reformed way- like a new me.
so i sent the dreaded apology email. and now all i can do is wait.
heres to unwritten chapters and averted eyes. missing old best friends and hands down times...i cant forget you- believe me ive tried. maybe i need this more than you do...ill pray for it...ive prayed for you...its your move now
on a diffrent note...
uhgarycoleman: SkiTTel Me This: i totally wear the pants
uhgarycoleman: wuteva hah
SkiTTel Me This: i do!
uhgarycoleman: i know
true statment. <3
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[20 Jan 2004|09:17pm] |
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maroon 5 |
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i LOVE this boy.
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| no i will never be a saint..but i will always say squint your eyes and look closer... |
[17 Jan 2004|07:48pm] |
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ani difranco |
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so ive been sitting here at the newly fixed and re-fabbed computer just reading others livejournals...looking at strangers pictures and wondering why cant my life look so cool? why cant i do cool stuff that i post pictures of and why cant people envy me...but then i realize im probably not the only loser sitting home on a saturday night reading through strangers livejournals and wishing my life was cooler. so that helps slightly.
this weekend is all that i expected of it- which sucks...leaving me sitting on my couch numbing my brain with mindless celebrity "entertainment" ive recently been noticing how much i truly despise celebrities for having so much money. its not because i want their money...though it would be nice to be able to afford like...a pair of shoes or hell...even a trip to long john silvers every now and then. but it makes me soo mad because they waste 63 million on a HOUSE and they dress their damn dogs in more diamonds than should be legal- when a few airplane hours away there are little kids dying of malnutrion- thats a whole nother topic- im just stating that i hate rich people who waste their money on material things. its bout it.
so i think i just accidently told sarah doyle i loved her cause i thought it was jeffrey. hahah. wow.
ive gained a new apperciation for me time. but but buttt i love jeffrey more than ever- ive just been mean and irritable becuase of all of this not being allowed out of the house thing. so he sits on the couch and waits out my sickness with me. giving me me meds and making fry runs for me between movies. hes really too good to me.
i said venice
you heard vegas
now i say either way
baby let's go
i get so shaky
and i just can't shake it
i bliss like this
i'm one of those
back to solitare.
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[16 Jan 2004|10:59am] |
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lovey lovey |
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What a beautiful day for a root canal...
:sob: wish me luck on my trip to the dentist.
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paintmepretty's journal